Curbing Church Growth

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth


1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."


2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.


3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"


4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.


5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.


6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.


7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).


8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")


9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.


10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!


11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.


12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.


13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.


14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.


15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.


16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.


17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.


18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.


19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.


20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.


21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.


22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"


23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.


24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."


25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.


email from D. Fountain

Spring is here in PG

First time mowing the yard this year. Praise the Lord the snow is all gone.

Monday is Victoria Day here in Canada

Repeat from last May

How Queen Victoria Received the Assurance of Salvation

Queen Victoria of England (1819-1901) was noted as a moral and religious person. Her religion and morality, however, was unable to save her soul. The following is an account of how Queen Victoria gained real assurance that she would go to Heaven.

"One day, after an especially moving service at St. Paul’s Cathedral in London, she asked her chaplain if one could be absolutely sure of Heaven. He told her he knew of no way to know. How tragic not to know!

"News of this conversation reached the ears of a humble Gospel minister named John Townsend, who then wrote a letter to the queen. He told her that the Bible is clear that we can know for certain, for God does not want us to go through life with doubts where we will spend eternity. As proof, Townsend cited two Scripture verses. The first verse was John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

The second verse Townsend cited was, "If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God has raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved" (Romans 10:9).

The explanation of God’s simple plan of salvation impacted the queen. In her reply, Queen Victoria told Townsend that she now, "believed in the finished work of Christ for me," and looked forward to meeting Townsend in Heaven." (adapted from "Blessed Assurance" by Good News Publishers.)

Do you know for certain that you will go to Heaven? You can, if you will repent and trust in the shed blood of Jesus just as Queen Victoria did. God says we can know for sure we are going to Heaven. "These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God: that ye may know that ye have eternal life" (I John 5:13). Will you trust Christ to save you right now?

"Meet Me in Heaven"

In a biography of Queen Victoria, and we learned that the queen would sometimes go to the slums of London. She went into one home to have tea with an older lady, and when the queen rose to leave, she asked, "Is there anything I can do for you?" And the woman said, "Yes, ma'am, Your Majesty, you can meet me in heaven." The queen turned to her and said softly, "Yes. I'll be there, but only because of the blood that was shed on the cross for you and for me." Queen Victoria, in her day the most powerful woman in the world, had to depend on the blood of Christ for her salvation. And so do we. The Bible says that God is the Author of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33). God provided salvation through the cross. He made peace by the shedding of His blood. The war that exists between you and God can be over quickly, and the peace treaty is signed in the blood of His Son Jesus Christ.

Are you at peace with God? Or do the sins of your heart separate you from God?

The above two stories concerning Queen Victoria and her salvation testimony. Monday here in Canada is Victoria Day.

What Holds Us Together

laminins are what hold us together....LITERALLY. They are cell adhesion molecules. They are what holds one cell of our bodies to the next cell. Without them, we would literally fall apart. What is quiet interesting is what they look like.

















Just google "laminins" or go to http://images.google.com/images?sour...q=laminin&um=1



Now tell me that our God is not the coolest!!!
The 'glue' that holds us together....ALL of us....is in the shape of the cross. Immediately Colossians 1:15-17 comes to mind.


Col 1:15 Who is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of every creature:

Col 1:16 For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:

Col 1:17 And he is before all things, and by him all things consist.



Thousands of years before the world knew anything about laminin, Paul penned those words. And now we see that from a very literal standpoint, we are held together...one cell to another....by the cross.


You would never in a quadrillion years convince me that is anything other than the mark of a Creator who knew EXACTLY what laminin "glue" would look like long before Adam even breathed his first breath!!

From Dean West email.

Ann Judson The Heroine of Burma Baptist History

Ann Judson was more than a missionary's wife; she is one of the noblest and heroic women who ever bore the Christian name. Every Baptist should be aware of the life and the ministry of the heroine of Burma.

Ann Hasseltine was born in Bedford, Massachusetts, on December 22, 1789. As a child, she exhibited an inquisitive mind and a tenacious perseverance, and her thirst for knowledge distinguished her as someone destined for a life of service. In her 17th year, after many conflicts and much prayer, she found pardon in the finished work of Christ. When she was 20, she read the life of David Brainerd and was deeply moved for those who had never heard the gospel. She recorded in her diary that she felt "a willingness to give herself away to Christ, to be disposed as He pleases." But, her future life of service was sealed when she met and ultimately married Adoniram Judson. However, she did not make her decision solely upon Mr. Judson's proposal. After much prayer and earnestly seeking the will of God, she wrote, "I am not only willing to spend my days among the heathen, in attempting to enlighten and save them, but I find much pleasure in the prospect. Yes, I am quite willing to give up temporal comforts and live a life of hardship and trial, if it be the will of God."

Ann and Adoniram were married on February 5, 1812, and sailed for Calcutta on the 19th. It was on this three-month journey that both Adoniram and Ann embraced believer's baptism. Upon their arrival in India, they were immersed by William Ward. This decision severed their relationship with their Congregational supporters. The Judson's offered their services to the Baptists who gladly accepted.

Shortly after their arrival, they were ordered by the East India Company to leave India or be deported. After numerous hardships and disappointments, they were finally able to book passage on a ship bound for Rangoon, Burma. Upon arrival, they immediately established themselves and began to study the difficult Burmese language. Through their dedication and untiring labor, the gospel began to produce fruit.

In 1823, reinforced by additional missionaries, it was determined that the Judsons and Prices would relocate to Ava, the capitol. War broke out between England and Burma soon after they arrived and Judson and Price were accused of being English spies. They were arrested and thrown into a prison known as the death house. Adoniram's life depended completely upon Ann's ability to provide for his physical needs.

Ann's heroic efforts during those dark days read more like fiction than reality. Forced to live in inhumane conditions, she became seriously ill, and her responsibilities were multiplied when she gave birth to her precious Maria. Adding to her burdens, the two Burmese girls she had adopted and her infant daughter were stricken with smallpox. However, empowered by God's grace, she was able to sustain her husband and Dr. Price and nurse the seriously ill children while being assisted by only one helper. Even though seriously ill herself, she persevered through incredible hardships which continued until the Burmese were forced to sue for peace or be destroyed.

After Adoniram obtained his freedom, the Judsons relocated to Amherst where they established a mission. Judson was called away to interpret for the British, and sadly, in his absence, Ann Judson was seized with a malignant fever. Her shattered constitution was unable to withstand the attack. At 8:00 on the evening of October 24, 1826, she passed into the arms of her beloved Savior. Exactly six months later, little Maria also died and was buried by her mother. Suggested reading: The Judson's History and Legacy, Rosalie Hall Hunt.



Article by Thomas Ray

Mother's Day Stuff

A FRANTIC MOM

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your husband, dear."

"Mom, my husband's name is Ted."

"Is this 234-5678?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

To My Other Mother

You are the other mother I received

The day I wed your son.

And I just want to thank you, Mom,

the loving things you've done.

You've given me a gracious man

With whom I share my life.

You are his lovely Mother and

I his lucky wife.

You used to pat his little head

And now I hold his hand.

You raised in love a little boy

And then gave me the man!

PREGNANCY Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Only a Mother:

Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home!"

Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k".

Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

via email.

"Let's run through the rain!"

A YOUNG MOTHER’S CARE TO FORM A LIFE

She must have been 6 years old, the beautiful brown-haired, freckled-faced little image of innocence. And this day it was pouring outside, the kind of rain that gushes over the tops of the rain gutters. The parking lot drains were filled to capacity as huge puddles laked around the parked cars. Many of us stood under the awning or just inside the door of Walmart. We waited, some patiently and others aggravated because the rains messed with their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rain fall, getting lost in the sounds and sights of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.

Then we heard a child’s voice, so sweet as it broke through the hypnotic trance of the rains. "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" her mother asked. "Let's run through the rain!" The mother responded, "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit.” The child waited a minute and repeated, "Mom. Let's run through the rain." Her mother explained, "We'll get soaked if we do." The child tugged at her arm, saying, "No we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning." Her mother questioned, "This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?" Then the little girl recounted her words. "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything!’"

The people stopped silent while you couldn't hear anything but the rain. And no one came or left as the mother paused and thought for a moment about what to say. Some might laugh it off or scold her as silly. Others might ignore her. But this was a moment of affirmation, a time when her innocent trust could be nurtured to bloom into faith. And then we heard her mother say, "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing." And off they ran!

Watching, the crowd smiled and laughed as they darted past the cars and right through some of the puddles. They held shopping bags over their heads but they were obviously being soaked. Then other shoppers made their break from the store, running through the parking lot while screaming and laughing like children all the way to their cars.

I want to believe that somewhere along the road in life, that young mother will find herself reflecting on those moments together. They had captured a memory, like the pictures of a scrapbook of some of their most cherished memories. Maybe watching her daughter graduate, she will reflect upon that rainy day. And maybe again if God spared the little girl’s Daddy to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. And I suspect this mother and daughter will smile and laugh again as their hearts beat a little faster. And their smiles that day will simply tell the world how much they love each other. But only those two will share that precious moment of when they ran through the rain, somehow believing that God would get them through.

And Yes, I did too. I ran and I got wet. I needed washing too.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).


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