Saturday, May 10, 2008

Mother's Day Stuff

The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"

"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George? Who's George?"

"Why, that's your husband, dear."

"Mom, my husband's name is Ted."

"Is this 234-5678?"

"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"

To My Other Mother

You are the other mother I received
The day I wed your son.
And I just want to thank you, Mom,
the loving things you've done.
You've given me a gracious man
With whom I share my life.
You are his lovely Mother and
I his lucky wife.
You used to pat his little head
And now I hold his hand.
You raised in love a little boy
And then gave me the man!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Only a Mother:

Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home!"

Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k".

Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

via email.

No comments: