"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your husband, dear."
"Mom, my husband's name is Ted."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
To My Other Mother
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home!"
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k".
Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.