Friday Funnies - Mordus Sabbaticus

or Sunday Sickness, is a disease peculiar to church
members. The attack comes on suddenly on Sundays. No symptoms are
felt on Saturday night; the patient sleeps well and awakes feeling
well; eats a hearty breakfast, but about church time the attack comes
on and continues until services are over for the morning. the the
patient feels easy and eats a hearty dinner. In the afternoon he
feels much better and is able to take a walk, automobile ride, go
visiting, talk politics and reads the papers; he heats a hearty
supper but about church time he has another attack and stays home. He
retires early, sleeps well, and awakes on Monday morning refreshed and
able to go to work, He does not feel any of the returned symptoms
until the next Sunday.

The peculiar features are as follows--
1. It attacks members of a church.

2. It never makes its appearance except on Sunday.

3. The symptoms vary, but never interfere with appetite and sleep.

4. It never lasts more than 24 hours.

5. It generally attacks the head of the family and continues to
spread until every member is affected.

6. No physician is ever called.

7. It always proves fatal in the end to the soul.

8. No remedy is known for it except repentance and prayer.

9. Real heart-felt salvation is the only antidote.

Friday Funnies - Sonshine Bulletin

THE SONSHINE BULLETIN
SB vol.07, No.12

A weekly free Bulletin that contains quips, quote, jokes and words
of encouragement.

This Bulletin is sent out free by Larry and Paula Neff,
founders of the Lighthouse Children's Homes in Mississippi,
Costa Rica, and India.  The Lighthouse provides a Christian
home for unwanted, homeless and orphan children.

Please visit our website at:  lighthousechildren.com

To subscribe to the free SONSHINE BULLETIN please send me an e-mail
at:  LarryNeff@lighthousechildren.com and type the word:  Subscribe

To unsubscribe send me an e-mail at: 
LarryNeff@lighthousechildren.com
and type the word Unsubscribe

If you would like to send a joke, quip or quote to be used in the
Sonshine
Bulletin please send it to:  LarryNeff@lighthousechildren.com
***************************************************************
ONE LINERS

World Class Fisherman:  Fish fall for my line every time.
Early to bed, Early to rise, Golf all day, Make up lies.
If it wasn't for flashbacks, I'd have no memory at all.
Middle age spread: The waist of time.
Good idea for a highway billboard: 'YOU ARE NOT WATCHING THE ROAD.'
Old barbers never die, they just can't cut it like they used to.
One wonders if the man who invented lifesavers really made a mint?
A desk is a wastepaper basket with drawers.

***********************************************************
A CHURCH FUNNY

One Sunday the pastor announced he was passing out miniature crosses
made of palm leaves.  "Put this cross in the room where your family
argues most," he advised.  "When you look at it, the cross will
remind you that God is watching."

As a woman walked up to the pastor, shook his hand and said, "I'll
take five."
**************************************************************
NEFF'S NOTES

On Monday we begin our 28th Annual Lighthouse Campmeeting in
Mississippi.
We hope that you make your plans to be with us.  We will have great
singing, preaching, eating, and fellowship.  There are dorm style
bunk beds available and we provide great food and plenty of it.  Our
theme this year is APPRECIATION.  We want to show our appreciation to
the many pastors and friends that make the Lighthouse ministry
possible.  See you there.

At the Lighthouse in Costa Rica we are preparing for the government
test.  These tests are given twice a year and they are very
important.  The tests must be passed before you can be promoted to
the next level.  Please pray for our students as they prepare for
these crucial test.
***********************************************************
GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OLDER…..Sent in by Roberta in FL

1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc, Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.
***********************************************************
TODAY'S TRIVIA

Where did the phase "A drop in a bucket" come from?
Answer at the end of the Bulletin.
************************************************************
A BRIEF LOOK AT THE PAST

The 1950's
 The Drive-In Decade, we drove to movies, restaurants,
  banks, and even funeral parlors

 1955 Walt Disney opened Disneyland in CA.
 The first Holiday Inn opened in Memphis, TN
 The McDonald brothers launched the fast food era
 The Interstate Hwy System was started in 1956
 Cars became more ornate with fins, colors, and chrome
       1957,58, 59 The Edsel came and went.
The 1960's
 The first anti-pollution legislation targeting vehicle
 emissions was passed.
 
 1960 the first Rand McNally Road Atlas debuted.
 "Easy rider" and "Route 66" brought life on the road
 to big and small screens.
 America said goodbye to Burma Shave signs.
 Pontiac GTO introduced the "muscle car" era.
 1964 Ford Mustang set a new standard of auto design.

The 1970's
 A German "bug" created an epidemic when the Volkswagen
 Beetle became a best-selling car in the U.S.

 An oil crisis in the Mideast created long lines and
 high gas prices in the U.S.

 A new national speed limit of 55 was begun.
 1971 the first in-dash stereo was offered by Chrysler
 Oldsmobile offered airbags in 1974.
 Tom Sneva set and Indy 500 record at 200 mph.
 In 1973 gas cost 45 cents per gallon.
*******************************************************************
Trivia Answer:
Believe it or not the phase "A drop in a bucket" came from the Bible!

Isaiah 40:15  Behold, the nations are as a drop of a bucket, and are
counted as the small dust of the balance
************************************************************
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Cities and Countries

In what Bible-mentioned countries are the following
modern cities located?

Naples,

Addis Ababa,

Alexandria,

Athens,

Medina,

Barcelona,

Calcutta,

Tehran,

Jerusalem,


See comments for answers.

Brave Little Girl

An urban legend about a young lady and a world-record brown bear has been circulating on the internet. Here is one version:

"This 9 year old girl from the Yukon killed the new world record brown bear on the Alaskan Peninsula in October, 2006. Skull size 33 1/16", 11' 9" nose-to-tail. Estimated weight of 1,800 Lbs. No, this bear had not killed anyone. It was the girls first-ever bear hunt!"

No, she was not from the Yukon and no, it was not a world record, but the true story is just as fascinating:

From "Biggest Bears Of 2006" in the March/April 2007 issue of Bear Hunting Magazine, due on newsstands late February 2007:

If the "biggest bear" is determined as a ratio of the size of the bear to the size of the hunter, Fern Spaulding-Rivers is probably setting records that will never be broken. The 10 year-old from Talkeetna, Alaska has already harvested great trophies of most of Alaska's major game species, and she is a handloading fanatic as well. Fern's larger caliber rifles have a muzzle brake and a recoil pad and she also wears a custom-made padded shooting vest from McCoy Shooting Armor to help her withstand big bore recoil. Fern was brown bear hunting on the Alaskan Peninsula with her father and mother on May 10th, 2006 (when she was 9 years old).


She was carrying her Remington 700 Stainless chambered in .375 H&H and topped with a Zeiss Diavari Classic 1.5 - 4.5 x 18 scope. As the day progressed she and her father saw 11 bears. At one point, they were charged by a wolf, and they had to dispatch it at only 8 paces! Later, they spotted a big bruin in a gully at 32 yards.

With all the excitement of the day beginning to show, Fern asked Larry to hold her legs steady while she shot because her knees were shaking. Fern rolled the bear with her first shot, but the bruin regained it's footing and tore off across the tundra. Shooting again from a prone position, Fern dropped the behemoth for good with a second 270 grain Barnes Triple-shock at 112 yards.

The United States Fish and Wildlife Service measured the bear's hide at 11'4" from nose to tail. The skull has been officially scored at 29 1/16" Boone and Crockett. What does Fern think of bear hunting? "Do you know how big an 11' bear looks at 30 yds? It's kinda scary! They are about the size of a Volkswagen bus and when they swing their head to look your way they remind you of a T-Rex in Jurassic Park!" Her trophy brown bear now puts her in an elite class. Fern is a tremendous example to young hunters everywhere, and she is a great hunter regardless of her age.

Here is the story -

http://www.bear-hunting.com/news.cfm?Action=News&NewsFlashID=291

He Crushed The Serpent's Head

Deputy Sheriff Bob Alexander is fast with his gun. His dog, Flash, lives up to his name. But despite these two facts both man and dog were hospitalized when they tangled with a rattler.

They came upon the snake suddenly. The dog bit the snake. The snake then sank its fangs into the dog. Just as the snake was about to strike again, the deputy shot. The head of the rattler flew off with jaws gaping and fangs extended and bit the deputy on the hand. Both man and dog received medical attention.

Satan, the Serpent, is also deadly. But there is no danger that his head will fly off and bite the “born again child of God”. Satan was not shot. His head was crushed on Golgotha’s hill (Genesis 3:15). The highest pinnacle of satanic power and authority was brought down – crushed by Christ at Calvary! The Lord Jesus Christ has taken the bite out of the old Serpent for you. Ten thousand hallelujahs!!

This snake was killed just outside of Fritch, Texas. My children used to play 'hide and seek" there at night. Jeff

QUIET TIME

The dog wants in, the cat wants out,

There's someone at the door;

I thought it was my quiet time-

It's really more like war.

I study hard, but other things

For my attention vie:

The reasons they weren't there before,

I really don't know why.

Yet now my Bible pages turn:

Isaiah twenty-six;

Perhaps within the prophet's words

My soul can find a fix.

The first two verses struggle by,

But then I read verse three:

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on thee."

-Robert Barrell

From a message by John M. Walls

What is a Charismatic Baptist Mormon?

The Baptist Version
of
The Book of Mormon

Protestant Doctrines
within the Book of Mormon

by
Lynn Ridenhour,

Southern Baptist Minister

For full understanding of this open letter, please check out link-

http://www.centerplace.org/library/bofm/baptistversionofbofm.htm

Dear Dr. Ridenhour,

Anyone who knows Mormonism knows how the Book of Mormon does not represent Mormon doctrine at all. Mormon doctrine is primarily not in there. And Mormonism is cut-and-paste. When Joseph Smith began his teachings he believed there was only one God, as represented in the Book of Mormon. He progressed to three gods in the Godhead. And he kept going to preach a myriad of gods and that you can become a god yourself. The Book of Mormon teaches that God is God from all eternity. Joseph Smith mocked that idea to refute it shortly before he died.

Do you know anything at all about Joseph Smith and Ethan Smith? Where did Ethan Smith live? How far away was he from Joseph? What was the book written by Ethan Smith? When was it written? How does it parallel the Book of Mormon? It's important to examine the facts before you make a fool out of yourself.

Are you totally in the dark about B.H. Roberts? Massive humiliation to the Book of Mormon!

Have you even seen the video "The Bible versus the Book of Mormon"? I'll send you a copy if not, just let me know. Do you know anything about "DNA and the Book of Mormon"? Have you ever heard of the Joseph Smith Translation or the Lost Book of Abraham (also a powerful video to expose the Mormon prophet as false), since you commend him and talk about the canon of Scripture?

There is no excuse for your ignorance with the resources available today to read the truth. And where you teach falsehood (I don't know how to say it so it does not just sound like an insulting remark), but the Book of Mormon which seems to impress you also warns about the judgment and hell. And the Bible (God's Word) surely does! Are you a child of God while being led so easily into religious fantasy? What incredible ignorance!

And you don't have any idea where the Book of Mormon opposes the Bible? You have read the Book of Mormon - then have you read the Bible through as well? They do not agree! So you don't know what the real story line of Joseph Smith's book is about? Does it find support in history? No credible college, in fact no college at all that is not Mormon, teaches about those fictional civilizations and fantastic stories.

And by the way, the Jesus of the Bible is not the same person as the Heavenly Father. That is only the Book of Mormon's Jesus. So if you are teachable and not a puppet out to make a name while applauded by one of the Mormon sects, any of this is easily supported by the facts.

There are two kinds of Baptists past the labels: saved Baptists and lost Baptists. (And that is true of other groups). The latter kind of Baptist often converts over to Mormonism - or basically just about any religion. And a lot of the mere religious kind of Bapists live in your neighborhood. Lost Baptist preachers lead people to hell as they turn from the truth. Saved Baptist preachers are not so easily deceived. God knows which you are; I simply see the clues.

I am purposefully frank and direct with you. First, you of anyone ought to know better. And second, you are waxing the way for apostasy and hell. Take this seriously as here is a Bible test for you that was recommended by the Apostle Paul. It's a very safe test and it's right to take it for me or everybody else. Are you in the true faith? You cannot think organizationally here as to a convention of Baptists or any of the many sects of Mormonism. It has to do with what you need to know, what is the true faith? The answer is this: IS JESUS CHRIST IN YOU? If not, God says you are disapproved and reprobate. So if the Spirit of the Holy God is in you, then what? You will definitely be far too wise than to boast on the Book of Mormon.

The test:

"Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves. Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be reprobates?" (2 Cor. 13:5)

By your own admission, you are a feelings-oriented Charismatic. Sometimes the experiences are not so different from a feelings-oriented Mormon. Benny Hinn has an experience and talks about Jesus too. (And I can send you a powerful video exposing Benny in his own lies too if you'd like). You see, sir, even the devil could call himself a Baptist, but that does not make him one. You're not a true Baptist either. The license someone gave you says you are, but your theology and deception demonstrates otherwise. Baptist is just a title, like "Christian". But a lot of folks claim to be Christians who Christ does not know as His own.

I forwarded your page to some pretty knowing people without first reading your foolishness. A few pages was enough. Anyone of my friends could help you to straighten you out on the Book of Mormon, so maybe you'll be hearing from some of them too. But if you trample these pearls, sir, there's no point. They need not bother and we'll be done communicating too. However, if you want to know the truth, let's talk.

Be wise to consider eternity and be careful!

Charlie Carle