Friday Funnies - Old School Church Announcements

Old School Church Announcements - 1

These are your church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic Catholic Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In Christ Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:

1. there will be a bake sale after the morning worship please see

Sis. Lula Mae Odell & Dea. Willie George Thornton

2. the church will be giving out ex-lax and castro oil, for all the

members who's bowels is locked up from eating that government cheese

3. we will be appointing security officers, because a lot of members

money is being stole out of their purses during alter prayer

4. funeral services for Sis. Annie Lee Cooks are pending, as we know

she was every bit of 850 pounds. The family is still searching for a casket

5. also let us not forget to take care of our personal hygiene,

pastor said lift your hands and worship, and one sister was musty as a billy goat. The brother that was sitting next to her passed out because of her must, and everybody thought he was slain in the spirit.

Please Govern Yourselves Accordingly

Old School Church Announcements - 2

These are your church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic Catholic Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In Christ Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:

1. the weaved hair ministry will host a convention at the Chinese store the guest speaker will be the Rev. Chang Lin Lee

2. funeral services for Sis. Annie Lee Cooks will be at Houston Memorial Gardens, due to her being 850 pounds she couldn't fit inside of a hearse so she will be escorted to graveside on the back of a dump truck

3. Bro. Freddie Wayne Jenkins is asking all deacons that sit on the front row, not to forget to goggle w/ Listerine before services the cigarette smoke has a very bad smell

4. the motherboard will be passing out pampers, for everyone that ate some dressing and cannot make it to the restroom

Please Govern Yourselves Accordingly

Old School Church Announcements - 3

These are your church announcements for the Rising Star Pentecostal Baptist Apostolic Catholic Lutheran Methodist Episcopal Seven Day Adventist Church Of God In Christ Non-Denominational Church. Please govern yourself accordingly:

Church Announcements

1. The Pastor would like to thank all of you who paid your tithes last week. With the high price of gas - every little bit helps. And, he wanted us To mention that if you write a check, please make sure that it does not bounce. He said that you are still encouraged to pay your tithes, and God only wants 10%, but if your check bounces we gone take 25%.

2. From the health ministry!

The usher board has asked those frequent shouters who routinely pass out on the altar to please wear clean underwear. Let your praise be holy, not your draws. Amen. The deacon board has brought this to our attention.

Also, if you are one of the people tapped on your shoulder Sunday morning, make sure you pick up your Altoids at the hospitality desk before entering the sanctuary. Saints, lets not let our breath hinder our neighbor's praise.

3. Special Note:

We would like to apologize for those who came out to the Youth Explosion conference last night. The youth choir's remix of Shake that Laffy Taffy was totally unexpected. The youth director has been reprimanded and will issue a formal apology Sunday morning. Also, for those who witnessed Mother Green getting up and doing the Laffy Taffy dance, and are concerned, she is doing fine. She is in Methodist North recovering well.

4. Saints, don't forget about the Chitlin dinner this evening. If you haven't already placed your order, call the church office. And for those who are a little skeptical after the last Chitlin dinner, please feel at ease knowing that Pastor Happy has prayed over the Chitlins and no one from the Drug Rehab Ministry was involved in the preparation this time.

4. Pastor has requested that all "dark-skinneded" members sit in the light during night service. Last Wednesday he heard voices in the dark and thought they were demons.

Please Govern Yourselves Accordingly


Word of Grace Missionary Baptist Church