Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday Funnies- The Sonshine Bulletin

Last year I promoted 'The Sonshine Bulletin', so once again, enjoy. Bro. Jeff

THE SONSHINE BULLETIN
SB vol.08, No.44

A weekly free Bulletin that contains quips, quote, jokes and words
of encouragement.

This Bulletin is sent out free by Larry and Paula Neff,
founders of the Lighthouse Children's Homes in Mississippi,
Costa Rica, and India. The Lighthouse provides a Christian
home for unwanted, troubled and orphan children.

Please visit our website at: lighthousechildren.

com

To subscribe to the free SONSHINE BULLETIN please send me an e-mail
at: llneff@yahoo.com and type the word: Subscribe

To unsubscribe send me an e-mail at: llneff@yahoo.com
and type the word Unsubscribe

If you would like to send a joke, quip or quote to be used in the
Sonshine Bulletin please send it to: llneff@yahoo.com
*******************************************************
THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if
you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two
inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while
cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the
entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the
evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect
a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating
pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
***************************************
PRESIDENTIAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THANKSGIVING

"It is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of
Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and
humbly to implore his protection and favor."-George Washington,
October 3, 1789

"It is therefore recommended ... to set apart Thursday the eighteenth
day of December next, for solemn thanksgiving and praise, that with
one heart and one voice the good people may express the grateful
feelings of their hearts and consecrate themselves to the service of
their divine benefactor ..."-Samuel Adams, November 1, 1777 (adopted
by the 13 states as the first official Thanksgiving Proclamation)

"We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of Heaven; we
have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have
grown in numbers, wealth, and power as no other nation has ever
grown."-Abraham Lincoln, 1863

"Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be
expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well
as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds."-Theodore Roosevelt, 1901

"Almighty God, who hast given us this good land for our heritage; We
humbly beseech Thee that we may always prove ourselves a people
mindful of Thy favor and glad to do Thy will." --Franklin D.
Roosevelt, Nov. 9, 1940

"As the harvest season draws to a close and our storehouses bulge
with the bounty of the land, it is our desire to observe, in the
custom and tradition of our forebears, a special day dedicated to
giving thanks to God - a day on which to lay aside our daily tasks
and cares and pay joyous homage to Him." --John F. Kennedy, Nov. 13,
1964

"And for our heritage - a land rich with the bountiful blessings of
God, and the freedom to enjoy those rich blessings - we give thanks
to God Almighty in this time, and for all time." --Richard Nixon,
Nov. 25, 1971

"Perhaps no custom reveals our character as a Nation so clearly as
our celebration of Thanksgiving Day. Rooted deeply in our Judeo-
Christian heritage, the practice of offering thanksgiving underscores
our unshakable belief in God as the foundation of our Nation and our
firm reliance upon Him from Whom all blessings flow." --Ronald
Reagan, Thanksgiving Day, 1986

"Sharing in God's blessings is at the heart of Thanksgiving and at
the core of the American spirit." --Bill Clinton, Nov. 17, 2000

"All across America, we gather this week with the people we love to
give thanks to God for the blessings in our lives." --George W. Bush,
Nov. 23, 2004
***************************************************
NEFF'S NOTES

This past week were privileged to have the Lawrence Lindsay family
from Pontotoc, MS, visit us at the Lighthouse in Costa Rica. They
had a great time with the children and also found time to see a lot
of the country. We thank the Lindsay's for buying a large number of
groceries for us and also buying games and gifts for the children.
Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Lindsay for coming to visit us and for all of
the kindness you have shown to our children.

LIGHTHOUSE HOME IN MISSISSIPPI

CHRISTMAS GIFTS: Many have expressed a desire to help out at
Christmas by sending gifts or special offerings for the children.
Any gifts you can provide will make their Christmas special,
and they will be most appreciative. If you would like a list of the
children and their ages please contact the Lighthouse by calling (662-
289-9629).

Also, please remember that if you want to give gifts for Costa Rica
or India, it is best to send the money to the office in Mississippi,
clearly marked for the Home of your choice. We will forward the
money to our directors in these countries to purchase gifts there.

Have a blessed season, thanks for caring and sharing,

Larry and Paula Neff
***************************************************
QUICK SHOTS

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would
you get?
Student: The wrong answer.

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been
here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, 'Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!'
The doctor calmly responded, 'Now settle down. You'll just have to be
a little patient.'
********************************************
LIVENING UP THANKSGIVING DINNER

1. Load your plate up high; take it to the kitchen, toss it all in
the blender and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that
it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone says, in turn, what they are thankful for, say, "I'm
thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old-recorded football games and pop them in the VCR
(or DVD) when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two
minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR
and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive
conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal, turn to Mom and say, "See mom, I told you they
wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You
were worried for nothing."
****************************************************
TODAY'S TRIVIA QUESTION

In what year did telephone area codes begin?

A) 1940
B) 1948
C) 1952
D) 1960
E) 1971

Answer at the end of the Bulletin
**************************************************
TODAY'S THOUGHT – BE AN OVERCOMER

"Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it." - Helen Keller (John 16:33)
*************************************************
TODAY'S DEVOTION – DAILY GRATITUDE

1 Thess. 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will
of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

When the American pilgrims celebrated three days of thanksgiving in
1621 they were doing what came naturally for them: honoring God in
the daily course of events. Many had perished. Food was scarce. Their
Indian neighbors were hostile. But they survived. It only seemed
normal to them to give God thanks. They weren't instituting a public
holiday—they were manifesting a lifestyle of gratitude.

In the Old Testament, seven days were set aside for feasts of
thanksgiving. In 1621, three days were set aside. Today, we set
aside one day—and spend most of that day focused on food and
football. A national day of Thanksgiving is certainly better than
none at all, but how much better would be if every person lived a
life of gratitude toward God—365 days a year.

God is never less than generous, even when we are less than grateful.
*************************************************************
WORK APPLICATION 2008

OBJECTIVE:
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours,
occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

PREVIOUS EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present)
Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties
included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned
after those messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99)
Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed
to
combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes
straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:
*Solitaire
*Minesweeper
*On/Off Repair Method

PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS:
*Said Toast at brother's wedding
*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. (please pose
all questions as though you're considering me as a law school
applicant).
********************************************************
SMILE AWHILE……Sent in by Bro. Gary from KY

After applying for a marriage license, the man failed to reappear at
the county clerk's office until 11 years later to claim the important
document.

When asked why he and his fiancée had waited so long to get married,
he explained, "We had a few disagreements about details."
*******************************************************
Stress Relief……Sent in by Jo from TN

As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did
research at night. I would usually take a stress break around
eight, to play the strategy game Warcraft online
with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a
master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed
one opponent after another, and after six games we were
undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me that
his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
*************************************************
THANKSGIVING DIVORCE…….Sent in by Al from FL.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell
you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery
is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand
the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of
each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way !"
*******************************************************
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE EATEN TOO MUCH AT THANKSGIVING DINNER

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet
tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the
earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back
off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
****************************************************
TODAY'S TRIVIA ANSWER
C. 1952 The same year Kellogg's introduced Sugar Frosted Flakes
*******************************************
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1 comment:

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