"New Age Bible"

Brand New Bible for the "New Age"

"In the beginning there was an infinite expanse composed of nothing. And it came to pass accidentally and then began to form chemical elements. Then, accidentally, it decided to compress itself into a ping-pong ball. Having done thusly, it verily chose to collapse in on itself to form a pinhead of compact atoms weighing more than 900,000,000,000,000 tons. And then, behold! It decided to blow up, so it did.

"Thereupon it accidentally blew out, evenly, in all directions for 10,000,000 light years and formed a perfect set of several million galaxies, nebulae, and star clusters. All operating with enough precision to set your clock by. Fortunately, one set accidentally formed a solar system that had all of the necessary elements for producing the kind of life now writing this 'Bible.'

"And it came to pass, after several billion years (give or take several hundred million), the sun decided to accidentally throw out Uranus, Pluto, Mars, Venus, Jupiter, etc., in different sizes at different distances with different atmospheres. In thus doing, it also accidentally threw out an Earth, which (accidentally) formed water and plants out of molten lava. After a few billion years (give or take several hundred million, either way), an accidental combination of elements got together and accidentally formed a genetic code chain that could dictate what kind of life would be produced. Whereupon this accidentally produced a one-celled animal which couldn't produce a two-celled animal (or a three, or four, or five, or six celled, etc., animal).

"And thus it came to pass that over 20,000 species of animals were produced accidentally, to no purpose, and man was one of them. And evolution took the planaria that it had made from a paramecium, and created a jellyfish and brought it to a nonsexed, neuter, hermaphrodite and called it ~woman.~ (Or protozoa, coelenterata, platyhelminthes, or ctenophora: evolution only knows!) And evolution said, 'It is not good for the monkey to be alone. I will make a mate for him.' So it accidentally made 'Lucey' for 'Magic,' and he called her 'Baby' because she was taken out of a monkey.

"And after 6,000 years of killing, cannibalism, torture, murder, embezzlement, fraud, famine, Iying, swearing, cheating, stealing, and killing the monkey (or femur, or tarsier, or whatever) accidentally decided he had 'rights' that came from the spermatophytes, thallophytes, bryophytes, and ptendophytes, so he gave himself the right to cheat, abort, swear, lie, misrepresent, steal, pervert, extort, defraud, torture, and kill and called these rights, 'Civil Rights.'

"Today, at the very pinnacle of creation, the monkey (or 'great ape,' or 'hominoid,' or whatever) is 'the measure of all things.' He verily 'hash arrived.' He now knows why he came into being, accidentally; it was to please himself. At last he hath a goal: to make himself comfortable. In the next seven years, this will be done by perversion, extortion, rape, drug abuse, Iying, swearing, embezzlement, cheating, cannibalism, terrorism, perversion and killing, evolution willing!

"Even so, may the fittest survive! Amen! "

(The scholars who translated this new Bible version were: Albert Einstein, Max Plank, Heisenberg, Charles Darwin, Karl Marx, Dr. Libby, Harold Leakey, Medawar, Bergson, Lysenko, Mach, Max Born, and Stephen Hawking. Publishers: The National Education Association and the National Geographic Association, New York, 800 B.C.)